Helpful: read in the voice of Sophia Petrillo from the Golden Girls:
Picture it, Toledo, 1998, a young girl, ravishing, no body fat (ok, I'm ebellishing on all accounts, here), falls in love (again, embellishing) with beautiful boy. Doesn't work out. Fast forward.
Now, picture it, Perrysburg, OH, 2009, Giant Eagle parking lot, Friday night at 6:oopm. Middle-aged girl with sappy chick flick pauses in parking lot crosswalk. Nearly gets hit. In the midst of avoiding a collision with a Dodge Ram, girl sees man and woman in a Jeep Cherokee, watching her event unfold. Middle-aged girl recognizes man in driver seat. Doesn't know how or why. Remembers. Becomes embarrased. Realizes what she's wearing. Becomes mortified.
Old, ripped Adidas sneakers.
Fuzzy blue slippers with butterflies made out of applique beads on the outside, stuffed inside her sneakers like socks, but bulging out of the sides under her jeans.
Jeans that are stretched out and too big and bunched into the tongues of her shoes.
A dressy ruffle Caribbean blue shirt, too dressy for the jeans.
An old hoodie, ripped on the arm, army green, too casual for the shirt, whose ruffles are pouring out of the zipper, which is zipped up unnaturally high to avoid the cold.
Hair: one side matted down because of a nap, the older side taking flight; the back is a whoosh of abyssinian guinea pig and then abruptly flattened against her head because a portion of the nap must've been spent laying oddly on back.
Realizes she's standing in the middle of the parking lot crosswalk with other cars waiting for her to finish her cross. Realizes that the man behind the wheel is staring at her.
This ought to teach that girl a lesson to never never never leave the house looking like this ever ever ever again.
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